Dougal, Y'know you have to stamp these right?
by chocoholic1
Summary: When Mrs. Doyle goes on a two-month health spa break, dougal writes to her. Read on as things go from bad to worse than when Dougal did a funeral. IN PROGRESS.
1. 1 priest in a pinny...

Disclaimer: I don't own father Ted or other stuff mentioned.  
  
Summary: When Mrs.Doyle goes to a health spa for two months, what will our favourite priests do?!  
  
To Mrs.Doyle,  
  
Hallo there! How's the spa? At first I was confused about why you would want to spend two months at the shops; but Ted explained that a spa is where ladies go to have mud put on their faces, and the Spar is where ladies go to have mud put on their faces and get the groceries.   
  
Ted's just looked over my shoulder and asked who I was writing to. I said, "Mrs. Doyle" and he moved his eyebrow a bit and said, "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY TO HER!" Don't worry though I think it's just because of all the coffee and pep pills he's had since you left.  
  
We still haven't found a temporary Mrs. Doyle yet. We did try putting Jack in a pinny and telling him to make us some tea, but he just threw the tea at a passing parishioner. However, he did like the pinny and insists on keeping it on.  
  
Bye now!   
Your favourite priest, Doual  
  
(Whoops, forgot the "g" again!)   
  
  
  
  
To Mrs. Doyle (again!)  
  
Had the first housekeeper-trials today!  
The first un' looked like the Austrian nun from that film. Y'know "Village Of The Damned."  
Then the second one had got the wrong address and was looking for Old Betty who sells illegally imported wine.  
  
So we went with the third one. She seems nice enough (not as nice as you, of course!) except that she keeps taking pictures and whispering into a Dictaphone. Oh well, so long as she makes a good cuppa tea, I don't care if she works for the government!   
  
Bye bye Mrs. Doyle!  
  
Your favourite priest, Dougl  
  
(ha ha, remembered the "g"!)  
  
  
  
  
Hallo there Mrs. Doyle!  
  
Ted found ten pounds today! I was happy because it meant I got to go to that place with the pretty running horses again, and Ted was happy until the horse he'd wanted to win went in the wrong direction and he had to give away the ten pounds. And Maid Jack (that's what he's making us call him now) was very happy because while we were out the house he found the champagne Ted had been saving for holidays.   
  
The funny thing was, a man came round today and asked if we'd found ten pounds that he'd dropped this morning, and Ted shook his head and said no. I asked him about it and said that the man had had a funny look about him, and we couldn't trust him with ten pounds because he'd probably do something immoral.   
  
More good news is that I think the new (non-Jack) maid likes us! She keeps taking pictures of the house, and was particularly interested in that spot where Jack hides all that drink from Old Betty.   
  
  
Your favourite in-the-money priest, Dougal.  
  
  
  
To Mrs. Doyle,  
  
Y'know what happened today? I was looking at this big, fluffy cloud that looked a bit like you, and guess what? I saw a big balloon in the sky! A hot air balloon! It was pretty and red and round and had little tiny people in it!  
  
How great is that?  
  
  
  
Oh, yes, and Ted and I are in prison.  
  
Lotsa love, your favourite captive priest. 


	2. 2 cups of Jacks 'tea' = uh oh...

Hallo Mrs. Doyle.  
  
Y'see, the thing was Maid Jack made me this nice cuppa tea. It was very good, but tasted a bit funny.   
Thing is I think there was something in it 'cos I got a bit D-R-U-N-K and started telling the new housekeeper-lady about that money that was resting in Ted's account from the charity.   
  
And now we're in a police car being transported to the mainland. Ted says they're gonna de-priest us or something. I said, "That's just fine, I don't even believe in god or religion!"   
Then Ted pointed out that I would have to pay for my own chocolate and crisps instead of using the money from the collection plate.   
I remember when we'd stop off at One-legged Jim's sweet shop on the way back from mass.  
He'd say, "Is this the collection plate money fathers?"  
And we'd say no and laugh and sometimes try to trip him up.  
  
I really don't know why they're arresting us good, honest priesty-people.  
  
Bye now, Dougal.  
  
  
  
To Mrs. Doyle,  
  
This is it. We are on the run.   
The police had to go and pick up Maid Jack, but unfortunately they tried to take his pinny and bottle of vodka away. So good ol' Jack kicked the policeman in the balls and we all ran away. They would have caught us too, if we hadn't all hopped on a lawnmower that you'd left in the garden and sped away to freedom.  
  
Well to the Craggy Island train station anyway.   
  
Ted says that we have to hitchhike onto a train because if we tried to on the roads the police would find us. To be honest I think Maid Jack has made him a few too many cups of tea as well. Trouble is trains don't stop when you put your thumb out and they don't even stop when you jump out onto the tracks and sing 'My girl lollipop.' (Ted's idea.) It's getting cold now and all we have to eat are British Rail sandwiches, which they just gave us because noone else wants to buy them because they taste like sheep.   
  
And the worst thing is, I'm missing Hollyoaks.   
  
Bye from your favourite Running-From-The-Long-Arm-Of-The-Law priest, Dougal: outlaw of craggy island.   
  
  
  
Hallo again, Mrs. Doyle!  
  
Hooray and Hoorah! We finally got on a train transporting nuclear waste to the beach. Jack's having a whale of a time, drinking up the glow-y stuff and me and Ted are in considerably higher spirits now we don't have to eat those sandwiches anymore. Also because Ted is keeping Jack's bottle of vodka safe for him.  
  
I don't know where we're going to go when we get off the train though. I asked Ted and he said, "Dougal, Dougal, we'll just hop aboard a boat and sail off to where ever the wind takes us, like in the good old days of the 1960's, and be free, free of all bishops!" he then took another swig of vodka and continued, "Don't worry Dougal I'll look after you and Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack oh he's been like a hairy, drunken, obnoxious son to me!"   
  
I don't know what he's talking about.  
  
Bye, hope the health spa's nice!   
  
Luv Dougal The Train spotting un-priest.   
  
  
  
  
Woo hallo Mrs. Doyle!  
  
Where on a boat and it's lots of fun! Weeee, it rocks back and forth!   
  
We got on it last night and it's so much fun weeeeeeeee! Ted's yelling at me to stop writing so loud, he's got a hangover and is trying to figure out a plan so I'll have to stop for a minute.   
  
~~~~~  
  
Oh dear. Ted's plan was to be honest about as good as channel 5. It was to explain to the captain that we were three on the run priests with headaches and that we needed to go somewhere far away, possibly in the Caribbean or Las Vegas.   
  
"Nope we just go round." The sailor-man said.  
  
Ted made a funny scrunched up face and said, "What?!"  
  
"a' said we jus' go round." The guy said. "Round and Round."  
  
"Round and round?" said Ted.  
  
"Round and round." Said the sailor man.   
  
Noone said anything for a bit.   
  
"Yeppitys, we just go to the island, then out t'sea a bit, then we go back." Said the sailor man.  
  
"But... why?" Said Ted.  
  
The sailor man shrugged and stroked a warthog in his arms. Or the warthog thing might have been a dream.   
  
I really don't have a clue what's going on!  
  
  
Lotsa love a very confused non-priest.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Yes, it's getting weird! Don't worry the nest bit will be normaler. Please review I use them to feed my rabbit called Tim Henman. (Y'know rabbits, tennis that whole connection there.) Any tips would be greatly appreciated. 


End file.
